Timothy Keller

介绍

这里记录一下Timothy Keller的读书笔记,目前我心中的排序是:

The Reason for God > The Prodigal God > Counterfeit Gods > The Meaning of Marriage

  • Making Sense of God
  • 一掷千金的上帝 The Prodigal God
  • 诸神的面具 Counterfeit Gods
  • The Reason for God
    • 《The Reason for God》,中文版《为何是他》是提摩太·凯勒(Timothy Keller)写的一本信仰答疑解惑书。其中涉及到了很多“敏感问题”,比如:“为什么上帝会允许苦难”、“为什么充满爱的上帝会送人去地狱” 等等。初读时惊讶的合不拢嘴,连连拍手。中期时开始觉得理性的思考与感性的信心相违背,开始抵制这本书。最后决定把它读完,作为知识来收获,而不是信仰来全盘接受。
    • 读完了,写得真是好…回看中期的抵制,其实还是自己的心态问题,这本书是一本好书。
  • The Meaning of Marriage

Making Sense of God

第一章 Why Does Anyone Need Religion?

一掷千金的上帝

第一章 耶稣四周的人们

所有人类能想得到的与上帝建立关系的方式,都是错误的。

  • 所以我们还是要按照圣经的教导来建立关系,坚持读经,坚持祷告。

一般来说,遵守宗教规范的人会被耶稣激怒,而不遵守宗教与道德规范的人则会被耶稣激起兴趣,受到他的吸引。

  • 霍,有点道理

“There are two ways to be your own Savior and Lord. One is by breaking all the moral laws and setting your own course, and one is by keeping all the moral laws and being very, very good.”

“But Jesus says: “The humble are in and the proud are out” (see Luke 18:14).8 The people who confess they aren’t particularly good or open-minded are moving toward God, because the prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it”

  • 要得到恩典的前提条件是要知道自己需要恩典。

第四章 REDEFINING LOSTNESS

“Elder brothers’ inability to handle suffering arises from the fact that their moral observance is results-oriented. The good life is lived not for delight in good deeds themselves, but as calculated ways to control their environment.”

  • 想获得好生活不是因为好生活本身,而是希望那种能够决定自己生活的确定感。

“It is impossible to forgive someone if you feel superior to him or her.”

“If anything, fear-based morality strengthens it, since ultimately elder brothers are being moral only for their own benefit. ”

  • 遵守道德只是为了自己的好处,这听上去太讽刺了。

“Think of three kinds of people—a business associate you don’t really like, a friend you enjoy doing things with, and someone you are in love with, and who is in love with you. Your conversations with the business associate will be quite goal-oriented. You won’t be interested in chitchat. With your friend you may open your heart about some of the problems you are having. But with your lover you will sense a strong impulse to speak about what you find beautiful about him or her.”

  • 确实,和关系一般的人,没有啥事不会闲聊。比较好的朋友可以稍微闲聊,而爱的人会经常聊。

其他

对犯错的人来说,得到怜悯与赦免必须是免费而无须功德的。如果需要犯错的人积攒功德才能获得怜悯,那就不叫怜悯了。然而,赦免别人总是需要代价的。

美不会存在一本书,一幅画里面。美只是透过它们显现而已。所以我们思乡,想念某一个地方,某一种食物,其实想念的只是那种情感。所以如果架空了情感只剩下那个地方,或许没了意思。就像父母逝去的故乡。

诸神的面具

引言

这些故事都向我们指出一个通病,那就是当我们听到圣经中拜偶像的概念时所会犯的一个错误:我们常以为偶像都是不好的东西,但事实上却不是如此。东西越好,我们就越希望它能满足我们深处的需要和期望,因此几乎所有的东西都可能会变成假神,特别是那些生命中最美好的事物。

  • 所以金钱是好的东西,但是不能把它变成Ultimate。

简言之,任何一件事物都可能会成为偶像,只要当你看到它时心中最深处会感到:“如果我拥有了它,我的人生就有了意义,我就知道自己是有价值的,也会感到自己的重要性和有保障。"有很多的方式可以描述出我们和那件事物的这种关系,而其中最适合的描述也许就是“崇拜”二字。

举例来说,拥有美丽的外貌是一件好事,但如果你让“美丽"成为生命中或文化中最重要的事,那么你有的就不只是“美丽”,而是有了掌管美丽的女神阿芙洛忒了。这时你会看见许多人,甚至整个文化,都在为外貌而苦恼,并且为了外貌而过度地花费时间和金钱,又愚蠢地以此为标准来衡量人。由此可见,如果有任何事物比上帝更能影响到你的快乐、生命意义和我认同,那它就是偶像了。

  • 追逐偶像的过程中,不可避免的会产生苦恼的情绪,会浪费掉我们宝贵的时间。

不论是什么,控制我们的就是们的主宰。寻求权势的人就被权势所控制,寻求被接纳的人就被他所想要讨好的人所控制。

  • 我还真不能想做什么就做什么,我想学习。

现今是一个绝佳的时机,因为我们有了短暂的“解除魔咒"的经验;在古老的故事中,巫师会对人下魔咒,当魔咒被解除时,受困的人就有逃脱的机会。不过,魔咒能被解除的时机往往是个人性的,当我们看到自己寄以重望的某些庞大企业或是伟大理想或人物,不能实践(我们以为的)承诺时,我们才会觉醒。但像这样的时机极少发生在整个社会中。

  • 当偶像破灭时,就是最好的机会。

第一章 所有你曾经想要的东西

亚伯拉罕得以撒的时候感谢神,为神最见证。他爱神是因为神的赏赐。只有在真的准备献以撒的时候,才是真的爱神。反观现在,我能否愿意将神赐于我的东西再还回去呢?

从这个角度来看,上帝对亚伯拉罕的这个极严厉的作为,其实是充满了怜悯。以撒是上帝给亚伯拉罕的美好礼物,但是如果亚伯拉罕不愿意以上帝为先,那么拥有以撒就不是一件稳妥的事。如果亚伯拉罕不需要在爱自己的儿子与顺服上帝两者之间作选择,那么他就不可能看出自己的爱会变成偶像崇拜。与此类似,我们也不容易意识到我们的事业会变成偶像,直到发生了一些状况,使我们面临要在诚实正直或事业受损两者之间作选择。如果我们不愿意为了遵行上帝的旨意而使事业受损,那么工作就成了我们的神明。

正如许多人所学到后又教导我们的:一直要到你只有耶稣而其他一无所有的时刻,你才会了解到耶稣才是你唯一的需要。

第二章 爱情不是你全部的需要

亚伯拉罕生了以撒,多年以后以撒的妻子利百加怀了双胞胎,上帝预言说:“将来大的要服事小的(创世记25:23)意思是说双胞胎中的老二被拣选进人弥赛亚的谱系。但以撒无视此预言,偏爱老大以扫超过老二雅各。讽刺的是,这正是上帝借着呼召亚伯拉罕献上独生子之时所要拯救他脱离的悲剧性错误。因为以撒的偏心,以扫长成一个极为高傲、骄纵、任性和冲动的人,而雅各则长成一个愤世嫉俗、心怀苦毒的人

  • 霍,我一直以为以撒是一个比较完美的人,居然还有这种解读。

害怕自己不能拥有爱情的人,会逃避那些可能成为美好伴侣的对象;而认为自己一定要拥有爱情的人,则往往会选择不合适或会虐待自己的伴侣如果你太害怕爱情,或是太迷恋爱情,都是让爱情变成有上帝般的能力,让它扭曲了你的观念和你的人生。

为什么雅各没有直接拒绝这个明显而大胆的诡计呢?艾尔特〈RobertAlter)再次提出了十分有价值的洞见。他说雅各所问的话:“你为什么欺哄我呢?”〈创世记29:25)其中“欺哄"的希伯来原文和创世记第27章中说到雅各对以扫所做之事的用词是相同的;接着艾尔特又引用一位古老犹太拉比解经家所想象的对话,即雅各和利亚同房后第二天的谈话——雅各对利亚说:“我昨晚在黑暗中叫的是拉结,你为什么回说你是?你为什么要这样对我?"然后利亚回答说:“你父亲在黑暗中叫的是以扫,你也回答说你是,你为什么要那样对他?"雅各哑口无言,他体会到被欺骗和被玩弄的滋味,因此只得温顺地接受了拉班的提议。

  • 霍!很有意思!

第四章 成功的诱惑

他强调,要真正地寻求公义,就必须要原谅压迫者。如果你的内心无法达成真正的饶恕,那么你就会寻求个人的报复多于寻求真正的公义;但很讽刺的是,这样你就仍旧是落在被压迫的情况中。你自己会陷人无止境的猛烈报复的循环中而无法自拔;即使不是实际的暴力相向,而只是人际关系中不公平的待遇,你也无法好好地指出及纠正对方的过错,除非你能先在内心中饶恕对方。如果你不饶恕犯错者,你就会指正过头,你就会变得只是想对痛苦施加者加以报复,而非寻求公义或改善。你的要求会变得过分,而你的态度会带有虐待倾向一一一在犯错者眼中,这些都会被看成是只想伤害他,因此这就会开始一连串的报复循环。只有当你的内心不再需要看到对方受伤,这时你才会有机会真正地带来公义、改善和医治。

第六章 隐藏在生活中的偶像

从列王纪下14:25中,我们知道约拿曾要以色列王耶罗波安为了收回以色列边界之地而扩充军力;虽然他同时代的先知阿摩司和何西阿大力地抨击王室统治的败坏,但是约拿似乎刻意不理会以色列王的胡作非为,一心就是要在爱国主义的狂热下建立国家的军力和影响力。这样的先知当然会对上帝要他去尼尼微城传道的命令大为震惊。

尼尼微城是亚述帝国的军事中心,是当时全世界最强大的都市,它的武力对以色列与邻近诸国构成了极大威胁,因此,以色列若是做出任何对亚述有利的事,就等于是自寻死路。虽然上帝的命令只是要约拿去向尼尼微城的居民“呼喊"说他们的邪恶已经达到上帝面前,但是约拿清楚地知道,若不是为了让他们在将受审判的结局上有转变的机会,就没有理由要去警告他们〈约拿书1:1一2)。

此处上帝是要在怜悯中临到他百姓最大的敌人——再没有比这个更不合常情的任务了;上帝居然派一个爱国的犹太先知去做这件事——再没有比他更不像特使的人了。上帝差派约拿去做一件他绝对认为是不可思议的事,然而这就是他的使命,他就是那个使者。

  • 霍…难怪约拿那么不想去尼尼微,这个问题是我在第一次读约拿书的时候就产生的问题。

为什么呢?因为恩典就是恩典;如果真的是恩典,那么就表示没有一个人是配得的,所有的人在其面前都是平等的。有了这样的理解,他又加了一句话:“救恩出于耶和华!"恩典不是只属于任何种族或任何阶层的,有宗教信仰的人也并非比没有宗教信仰的人更配得恩典;它完全与我们的品质或功德无关,救恩唯独出自耶和华!

  • 霍,今天有点新理解,恩典之所以被称为恩典,就是因为大家不配

约拿心中的动机至此完全显露出来:“我就知道!我就知道你是有恩典、有怜悯的上帝,不轻易发怒,有丰盛的慈爱!我知道我不能信靠你!这就是我开始要逃跑的原因!我就怕有你这样的上帝,只要有人一表现得好像要悔改的样子,你就会赦免他们。我受够你了!我不干了!杀了我吧!"圣经中再没有比此更为激动的话了,可能在所有古代的文献中也没有。约拿心中的偶像最后都暴露出来了,显示出他对亚述这个种族和国家的痛恨。

  • 约拿在这里感觉好立体

在人悔改与重建以后,会把合理的罪疚感除去,但还可能会有一种罪疚感是无法修补的。当有人说“我知道上帝赦免了我,可是我无法原谅自己"时,他的意思是觉得自己对不起偶像,因为偶像的认可比上帝的认可还要重要。偶像的作用就像是掌管我们生命的神明,如果我们以事业或父母的认可为偶像,但却让它失望,那么我们的一生都将会受到这个偶像的咒诅,永远都抹不掉这种失败的感受。

  • 所以当我想把忧虑放给耶稣却没办法的时候,那就是这种情况了。

如果我们的偶像崇拜是关乎未来的情况,那么当它的存在受到威胁时,它就会带给我们令人瘫痪的恐惧和焦虑;如果我们的偶像崇拜是发生在过去,那么当我们对不起它时,它就会带给我们无法修补的罪疚感;如果我们的偶像崇拜是发生在现在的生活中,那么当它受到环境的阻挡或被除去时,它就会以怒气或绝望来扰乱我们。

第七章 假神的末路

偶像不能被除去,只能被替代。这和撒旦的工作正好相反。撒旦是把好的东西用没那么好的东西来替代,而我们如果想恢复这一切,也要进行一次替代。

结语

以下是偶像分类的简明列表。此表可帮助我们从更宽广的角度来了解偶像崇拜,以便帮助我们认清自己的偶像:

  1. 神学偶像一一错误的教义导致对上帝的扭曲看法,最终使得我们所敬拜的对象变成假神。
  2. 性偶像——对色情及物件等的瘾癖,它们看似提供美好的承诺,但其实并不能带来亲密感及被接纳。它包括对自己或伴侣体型美的理想主义,或是在爱情上的理想主义。
  3. 邪术和仪式偶像一一包括各种巫术及秘术所有的偶像崇拜最终都是一种邪术,它所寻求的是违背超自然实体的次序,而不是在爱和智慧中顺服那次序。
  4. 政治和经济偶像一一包括左派、右派及自由主义等意识形态,它们将某种政治立场绝对化,并将其视为唯一的解决之道,例如将自由市场神化或魔鬼化。
  5. 种族和国家偶像一种族主义、军事主义、国家主义,或其他在民族上的骄傲,最终都会变成苦毒或压迫。
  6. 关系偶像一一有相依附〈co-dependency)心理现象的、功能异常的家庭系统;或“致命的吸引力";或透过儿女来过自己的人生。
  7. 宗教偶像一一道德主义和律法主义;或以成功及恩赐为偶像;或以宗教为名作为滥用权力之借口。
  8. 哲学偶像——将些受造之事物〈而不是罪)视为生命的问题中心,并用人所制造的产品或企业(而不是上帝的恩典)来作为解决问题之方法的思想体系。
  9. 文化偶像一一如西方文化中的极端个人主义:把个人的喜好作为偶像,而牺牲团体的利益;或是羞耻文化:把家族或宗族作为偶像,而牺牲个人的权益。
  10. 深层偶像——将动机性的驱动力及性格绝对化:
    • 权力偶像:“如果我有权力和对别人的影响力,我的生命才有意义,我才有价值。"
    • 赞赏偶像:“如果某人爱我及赞赏我,我的生命才有意义,我才有价值。"
    • 安舒偶像:“如果我有某种愉快经验或生活品质,我的生命才有意义,我才有价值。”
    • 控制偶像:“如果我完全掌握生命中的某个领域,我的生命才有意义,我才有价值·

如何认清自己的偶像:

  1. 检视你所幻想的事物

    • 没事的时候会做什么,会想什么?想到什么会开心?
  2. 检视你怎么花钱

  3. 检视你如何面对不蒙应允的祷告和挫败的希望

    如果你祈求但没有得到,那么你可能会感到忧伤而失望,但是你还能继续向前行,因为“嘿!生命还没完哪!"若是这样,就表示那些事物没有掌控你的作用,不是你的主人。然而,如果你为某些事祷告,也努力地行动,可是事情却不成就,这时如果你的反应是像爆炸似的发怒,或是陷人深深的绝望,那么你可能就找到了自己真正的偶像。你就会像约拿一样,觉得自己生气以至于死都是合理的。

  4. 检视你最无法控制的情绪

喜乐与悔改必须同行并进一一只有悔改而没有喜乐,会导致绝望;但只有喜乐而没有悔改,那喜乐也是肤浅的,它只会带来转眼即逝的感动,而不会有深刻的改变。

如果我们是因为恐惧犯罪的后果而悔改,那我们就不是真的为罪而忧伤,而只是为自己而忧伤;这种因恐惧而产生的悔改(就像是说:“如果我不悔改,上帝就会找我麻烦。"),其实只是自怜自艾,它不会让我们学会恨恶罪的本身,因此罪还没有失去其吸引力,我们只是为了自己的好处而与它保持距离。但是当我们因耶稣牺牲、受苦的爱而喜乐时——看到他为了拯救我们脱离罪恶而付出沉重的代价——我们就学会了恨恶罪的本身。

  • 关键的点是罪是否失去了吸引力。

因恐惧而来的悔改,会让我们厌恶自己;但那因喜乐而来的悔改,则会让我们痛恨罪。

  • 哪里来的喜乐?

圣经中所说的“喜乐",其意义远深过只是因为某件事物而感到快乐。保罗教导我们应当“靠主常常喜乐"(腓立比书4:4),这不可能是指“总是感到快乐"因为不可能有人能命令别人总是保持某种特定的情绪。“喜乐"是将某件事物视为珍宝,衡量它对你的价值,反复思想它的美丽与重要性,直到你的心安息,尝到它的甘甜。喜乐是一种赞美上帝的方式,直到你的心得着甘甜和安息,也直到你放下对其他事物的需要的执著。

  • 「靠主常常喜乐」的意思是要常常思想主,并为此而感到满足。

The Reason for God

前五章

  • If morality is relative, why isn’t social justice as well?
  • A faith without some doubts is like a human body without any antibodies. 我们需要对抗来自外界的病毒,比如说他人的质疑,否则我们的信仰可能会在一夜之间崩塌
  • Believers should learn to look for reasons behind their faith.
  • All doubts, however skeptical or cynical they may seen, are really a set of alternate belief.
  • Leap of faith. 尽管对事情的后果无把握,但还是以最大的信念去进行
  • People should have doubts about their doubts.

2020/5/10 周二
基督徒被接受不是因为做的比其他人好,而是耶稣担当了我们的罪过。其他宗教提倡道德提升,就会天然的对那些不信/不做的人,产生自己更高级的感觉。所以成为基督徒之后,我们正常来说不会觉得自己越来越好,而是越来越知道自己的不足,产生优越感也就无从谈起了。

2020/5/12 周二
未来的新天新地不仅是一个什么都有的美好世界,而是把我们所有过去的上海,痛苦全部翻转,并且变成更大的喜悦。更像是把水变成酒而不是直接给你一杯好喝的酒。

2020年5月14日

  • “You cannot go on ‘seeing through’ things for ever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it. It is good that the window should be transparent, because the street or garden beyond it is opaque. How if you saw through the garden too? It is no use trying to ‘see through’ first principles. If you see through everything, then everything is transparent. But a wholly transparent world is an invisible world. To ‘see through’ all things is the same as not to see.”
  • 不存在一种文化能够包容所有文化,多元文化支持所有其他的文化,但他本身也是一种文化。如果我的文化有所支持而有所不支持,那我的文化就不同于多元文化,从而不存在一种文化能够包容所有文化。
  • 想象一下LGBT的主席突然说:我认为LGBT是有罪的。同时,一个反对同性恋组织的主席突然觉得LGBT也不错。两个人的结局应该会很类似。所以没有不是什么inclusive/exclusive的问题。
  • 我们既然不能用exclusive/inclusive来判断组织的好坏,怎么判断?我们应该看他们是如何对待不信的群体的。是以慈爱,谦卑来爱他们,还是攻击对抗他们?(难以想象LGBT的人会真的爱双性恋的人,并抱有一个谦卑的心)

2020年5月15日

  • Christianity helped Africans to become renewed Africans, not re-made Europeans. 相反的,现在的世俗生活,个人主义与不相信超自然的文化对非洲人来说是deconstructive的。
  • 这里不存在一个什么基督文化,像伊斯兰文化那样。基督文化可以融入到我们自己的文化中,补全和理解我们自己的文化。

2020年5月16日

  • The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. 所以如果你看到一个基督徒做的不好,比非信徒差劲,很可能他一开始更差。毕竟医院里的病人身体状况还是比正常人差。
  • 他把法利赛人等追求道德提升的人称为fanatics
  • It was the Bible-believing religious establishment who put Jesus to death. It was the church, not the world, who crucified Christ.
  • 法利赛人的问题在于,渴望通过很高的道德要求,来获得权利//能力,从而比别人优秀,甚至可以和基督比肩。这会导致他们越来越在乎外表。
  • 不抢钱包,可能是因为如果抢钱包的事被别人知道了之后名誉损失很大(honor-shame society),也可能是因为想到了被抢钱包带来的伤害。
  • Christianity changed those honor-based cultures in which pride was valued rather than humility, dominance rather than service, courage rather than peaceableness, glory rather than modesty, loyalty to one’s own tribe rather than equal respect for all.
  • Instead of trying to shape our desires to fit reality, we now seek to control and shape reality to fit our desires. 古人和现在人的区别。
  • It seems to our mind unfair, therefore, that we should determine that it is all right to have sex outside of marriage and later discovered that there is a God who is going to punish us for that.
  • In one of my after-service discussions a woman told me that the very idea of a judging God was offensive. I said, why aren’t you offended by the idea of a forgiving God ? She looked puzzled.
  • For the sake of argument, let’s imagine that Christianity is not a product of any one culture but is actually transcultural truth of God. if that were the case we would expect that it would contradict and offend every human culture at some point, because human cultures are ever-changing and imperfect. if Christianity were the truth it would have to be offending and correcting your thinking at some place.
  • If you love a person and you see someone ruining them—even they themselves—you get angry.
  • Anger is not the opposite of love, hate is. And the final form of hate is indifference
  • If I don’t believe that there is a God who will eventually put all things right, I will take up the word and will be sucked into the endless vortex of retaliation. only if I am sure that there is a God who will right all wrongs and settle all accounts perfectly do I have the power to refrain.
  • Hell begins with a gambling mood, always complaining, always blaming others… but you are still distinct from it. you may even criticize it in yourself and wish you could stop it. but there may come a day when you can no longer. then they will be no YOU left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a machine. it is not a question of God sending us to hell. In each of us, there is something growing, which will BE HELL unless it is nipped in the bud.

第六章 Science Has Disproved Christianity

他提到了不同的章节我们读的时候要考虑体裁。比如路加福音(eyewitnesses)就可以100%当成历史来读,而诗篇就要当成诗歌来读。当我们面对创世纪1&2章的时候,就像士师记4&5、出埃及记14&15那样,一章是历史而一章是赞歌。他认为创世纪1是赞歌而2是历史。

他们见了耶稣就拜他。然而还有人疑惑。《马太福音28:17》

那些门徒,亲眼看到了耶稣的复活,甚至还触摸到了身体,有的人还存留疑惑。这让我想起了拉撒路的故事,亚伯拉罕对那个富人说,如果你的弟兄们是不信的人,那么即使看到了神迹也不会相信

关于神迹miracle,他举了个例子。比如耶稣不会做这种magic tricks:

See that tree over there? Watch me make it burst into flames!

相反,他用他的能力去救病人,喂饱肚子饿的人,让死人复活。现如今的人们认为的神迹大多属于上面的magic tricks,是对抗Nature Order。但是耶稣行的神迹是恢复Nature Order。

第九章 The Knowledge of God

It is no answer to say that if individuals have these rights then the community is better off in the long run…because when we say someone has a right to speak his mind freely, we mean he is entitled to do so even if this would not be in the general interest.

  • 我们可以自由地做这件事,而这件事不一定是符合大众意思的

Rights cannot be created—they must be discovered, or they are of no value.

If there is no God, then there is no way to say any one action is “moral” and another “immoral” but only “I like this.” If that is the case, who gets the right to put their subjective, arbitrary moral feelings into law? You may say “the majority has the right to make the law,” but do you mean that then the majority has the right to vote to exterminate a minority? If you say “No, that is wrong,” then you are back to square one.

  • 没有一个绝对的真理,人们对绝对的权利感到恐惧。

Without God he can’t justify moral obligation, and yet he can’t not know it exists.

第十章 The Problem of Sin

All sins are attempts to fill voids

  • 霍!

Sin is seeking to become oneself, to get an identity, apart from him.

So, according to the Bible, the primary way to define sin is not just the doing of bad things, but the making of good things into ultimate things. It is seeking to establish a sense of self by making something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship to God.

Every person must find some way to “justify their existence,” and to stave off the universal fear that they’re “a bum.” In more traditional cultures, the sense of worth and identity comes from fulfilling duties to family and giving service to society. In our contemporary individualistic culture, we tend to look to our achievements, our social status, our talents, or our love relationships. There are an infinite variety of identity-bases. Some get their sense of “self” from gaining and wielding power, others from human approval, others from self-discipline and control. But everyone is building their identity on something.

  • 过于真实,我们需要用一种不是神的方式来证明自己的存在。

Identity apart from God is inherently unstable. For example, if I build my identity on being a good parent, I have no true “self”—I am just a parent, nothing more. If something goes wrong with my children or my parenting, there is no “me” left.

There is no way to avoid this insecurity outside of God. Even if you say, “I will not build my happiness or significance on anyone or thing,” you will actually be building your identity on your personal freedom and independence. If anything threatens that, you will again be without a self.

  • 不以物喜不以己悲也不太妙?某一天你真的以物喜了,你的自我就崩塌了。

He argues that human society is deeply fragmented when anything but God is our highest love. If our highest goal in life is the good of our family, then, says Edwards, we will tend to care less for other families. If our highest goal is the good of our nation, tribe, or race, then we will tend to be racist or nationalistic. If our ultimate goal in life is our own individual happiness, then we will put our own economic and power interests ahead of those of others. Edwards concludes that only if God is our summum bonum, our ultimate good and life center, will we find our heart drawn out not only to people of all families, races, and classes, but to the whole world in general.

  • 我应该把我和神的关系放在第一位,而不是我的宗教信仰。

You may say, “I see that Christianity might be just the thing for people who have had collapses in their lives. But what if I don’t fail in my career and what if I have a great family?” As Augustine said, if there is a God who created you, then the deepest chambers of your soul simply cannot be filled up by anything less. That is how great the human soul is. If Jesus is the Creator-Lord, then by definition nothing could satisfy you like he can, even if you are successful. Even the most successful careers and families cannot give the significance, security, and affirmation that the author of glory and love can.

第十一章 Religion and the Gospel

All other major faiths have founders who are teachers that show the way to salvation. Only Jesus claimed to actually be the way of salvation himself.

Sin and evil are self-centeredness and pride that lead to oppression against others, but there are two forms of this. One form is being very bad and breaking all the rules, and the other form is being very good and keeping all the rules and becoming self-righteous. There are two ways to be your own Savior and Lord. The first is by saying, “I am going to live my life the way I want.” The second is that “he knew that the best way to avoid Jesus was to avoid sin.” If you are avoiding sin and living morally so that God will have to bless and save you, then ironically, you may be looking to Jesus as a teacher, model, and helper but you are avoiding him as Savior. You are trusting in your own goodness rather than in Jesus for your standing with God. You are trying to save yourself by following Jesus.

第十二章 THE (TRUE) STORY OF THE CROSS

Real Forgiveness Is Costly Suffering

She went through the suffering of costly forgiveness, which at first always feels far worse than bitterness, into eventual freedom. Forgiveness must be granted before it can be felt, but it does come eventually. It leads to a new peace, a resurrection. It is the only way to stop the spread of the evil.

  • 原谅是个先苦后甜的过程。苦的时候甚至比原先的伤害更痛苦。

Only when you have lost the need to see the other person hurt will you have any chance of actually bringing about change, reconciliation, and healing.

All life-changing love toward people with serious needs is a substitutional sacrifice. If you become personally involved with them, in some way, their weaknesses flow toward you as your strengths flow toward them. In The Cross of Christ, John Stott writes that substitution is at the heart of the Christian message:

  • The essence of sin is we human beings substituting ourselves for God, while the essence of salvation is God substituting himself for us. We…put ourselves where only God deserves to be; God…puts himself where we deserve to be.

As John Stott wrote, “I could never myself believe in God if it were not for the Cross. In the real world of pain, how could one worship a God who was immune to it?”

  • 耶稣的人性也很重要。耶稣知道我正在受的苦难是有多苦。

第十三章 THE REALITY OF THE RESURRECTION

Sometimes people approach me and say, “I really struggle with this aspect of Christian teaching. I like this part of Christian belief, but I don’t think I can accept that part.” I usually respond: “If Jesus rose from the dead, then you have to accept all he said; if he didn’t rise from the dead, then why worry about any of what he said? The issue on which everything hangs is not whether or not you like his teaching but whether or not he rose from the dead.” That is how the first hearers felt who heard reports of the resurrection. They knew that if it was true it meant we can’t live our lives any way we want. It also meant we don’t have to be afraid of anything, not Roman swords, not cancer, nothing. If Jesus rose from the dead, it changes everything.

  • 局部的真理不是真理,是你的个人喜好,别往耶稣身上扔。

Each gospel states that the first eyewitnesses to the resurrection were women. Women’s low social status meant that their testimony was not admissible evidence in court. There was no possible advantage to the church to recount that all the first witnesses were women. It could only have undermined the credibility of the testimony. The only possible explanation for why women were depicted as meeting Jesus first is if they really had.

  • 有点意思

In not one single case do we hear the slightest mention of the disappointed followers claiming that their hero had been raised from the dead. They knew better. Resurrection was not a private event. Jewish revolutionaries whose leader had been executed by the authorities, and who managed to escape arrest themselves, had two options: give up the revolution, or find another leader. Claiming that the original leader was alive again was simply not an option. Unless, of course, he was.

  • 之前也有很多假弥赛亚出现,但是被杀死之后都没有说复活的,因为这就不是一个选项?

However, the Christian view of resurrection, absolutely unprecedented in history, sprang up full-blown immediately after the death of Jesus. There was no process or development. His followers said that their beliefs did not come from debating and discussing. They were just telling others what they had seen themselves. No one has come up with any plausible alternative to this claim. Even if you propose the highly unlikely idea that one or two of Jesus’s disciples did get the idea that he was raised from the dead on their own, they would never have gotten a movement of other Jews to believe it unless there were multiple, inexplicable, plausible, repeated encounters with Jesus.

  • 世界变化过快

It is not enough for the skeptic, then, to simply dismiss the Christian teaching about the resurrection of Jesus by saying, “It just couldn’t have happened.” He or she must face and answer all these historical questions: Why did Christianity emerge so rapidly, with such power? No other band of messianic followers in that era concluded their leader was raised from the dead—why did this group do so? No group of Jews ever worshipped a human being as God. What led them to do it? Jews did not believe in divine men or individual resurrections. What changed their worldview virtually overnight? How do you account for the hundreds of eyewitnesses to the resurrection who lived on for decades and publicly maintained their testimony, eventually giving their lives for their belief?

  • 从历史中学习

第十四章 THE DANCE OF GOD

The Father…Son…and Holy Spirit glorify each other…. At the center of the universe, self-giving love is the dynamic currency of the Trinitarian life of God.

  • 霍,这三个互相荣耀…第一次听说。

If God is unipersonal, then until God created other beings there was no love, since love is something that one person has for another. This means that a unipersonal God was power, sovereignty, and greatness from all eternity, but not love. However, if God is triune, then loving relationships in community are the “great fountain…at the center of reality.

  • 角度很新颖

God did not create us to get the cosmic, infinite joy of mutual love and glorification, but to share it. We were made to join in the dance. If we will center our lives on him, serving him not out of self-interest, but just for the sake of who he is, for the sake of his beauty and glory, we will enter the dance and share in the joy and love he lives in. We were designed, then, not just for belief in God in some general way, nor for a vague kind of inspiration or spirituality. We were made to center our lives upon him, to make the purpose and passion of our lives knowing, serving, delighting, and resembling him. This growth in happiness will go on eternally, increasing unimaginably (1 Corinthians 2:7-10).

[Biblical] salvation lies not in an escape from this world but in the transformation of this world…. You will not find hope for the world in any of the religious systems or philosophies of humankind…. The Biblical vision is unique. That is why when some say there is salvation in other faiths too, I ask them—“What salvation are you talking about?” No faith holds out a promise of eternal salvation for the world—the ordinary world—that the cross and resurrection of Jesus do

  • 霍!只有基督教关心这个物质世界,并且想恢复这个物质世界。其他宗教想得只是「如何逃离」

EPILOGUE: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

We usually begin the journey toward God thinking, “What do I have to do to get this or that from him?” but eventually we have to begin thinking, “What do I have to do to get him?” If you don’t make that transition, you will never actually meet the real God, but will only end up believing in some caricature version of him.

Christians are people who let the reality of Jesus change everything about who they are, how they see, and how they live.

The repentance that really changes your heart and your relationship with God begins when you recognize that your main sin, the sin under the rest of your sins, is your self-salvation project. As we saw in Chapters 9 and 10, in both our bad deeds and in our good deeds we are seeking to be our own Saviors and Lords. We have alternative trusts and “gods,” even though we do not call them that. We try to prove ourselves by our moral goodness or through achievement or family or career. Even diligent involvement in church and religion may need to be repented of once we understand that it was all a way to put God and others in our debt.

The faith that changes the life and connects to God is best conveyed by the word “trust.” Imagine you are on a high cliff and you lose your footing and begin to fall. Just beside you as you fall is a branch sticking out of the very edge of the cliff. It is your only hope and it is more than strong enough to support your weight. How can it save you? If your mind is filled with intellectual certainty that the branch can support you, but you don’t actually reach out and grab it, you are lost. If your mind is instead filled with doubts and uncertainty that the branch can hold you, but you reach out and grab it anyway, you will be saved. Why? It is not the strength of your faith but the object of your faith that actually saves you. Strong faith in a weak branch is fatally inferior to weak faith in a strong branch.

  • 说得太好了!

As far as I know my own heart, today I give it to you, I transfer my trust to you, and ask that you would receive and accept me not for anything I have done but because of everything Christ has done for me.

  • 请你看在耶稣为我做过的事的面子上,饶我一马。

You can’t live the Christian life without a band of Christian friends, without a family of believers in which you find a place.

  • 我自己做,做不通的。

The Meaning of Marriage

Introduction

“If God invented marriage, then those who enter it should make every effort to understand and submit to his purposes for it. We do this in many other aspects of our lives. Think of buying a car: If you purchase a vehicle, a machine well beyond your own ability to create, you will certainly take up the owner’s manual and abide by what the designer says the car needs by way of treatment and maintenance. To ignore it would be to court disaster.”

“Unless you’re able to look at marriage through the lens of Scripture instead of through your own fears or romanticism, through your particular experience, or through your culture’s narrow perspectives, you won’t be able to make intelligent decisions about your own marital future.”

  • 啊…真是要在凡事上以主的喜乐为喜乐。

Chap1 THE SECRET OF MARRIAGE

“While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental. ”

“No marriage I know more than a few weeks old could be described as a fairy tale come true.”

“They believe their chances of having a good marriage are not great, and, even if a marriage is stable, there is in their view the horrifying prospect that it will become sexually boring. ”

“As comedian Chris Rock has asked, “Do you want to be single and lonely or married and bored?” Many young adults believe that these are indeed the two main options. That is why many aim for something in the middle between marriage and mere sexual encounters—cohabitation with a sexual partner.”

  • 同居性生活:单身的快乐 + 婚姻的快乐

“Today more than half of all people live together before getting married. In 1960, virtually no one did.”

“While it is true that some 45 percent of marriages end in divorce, by far the greatest percentage of divorces happen to those who marry before the age of eighteen, who have dropped out of high school, and who have had a baby together before marrying. “So if you are a reasonably well-educated person with a decent income, come from an intact family and are religious, and marry after twenty-five without having a baby first, your chances of divorce are low indeed.”

  • 这个Subgroup我确实没考虑到

“Studies show that spouses hold one another to greater levels of personal responsibility and self-discipline than friends or other family members can.”

“Nothing can mature character like marriage.”

Delayed gratification 延迟满足

“Most striking of all, longitudinal studies demonstrate that two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced.”

  • 。。。

“Instead of finding meaning through self-denial, through giving up one’s freedoms, and binding oneself to the duties of marriage and family, marriage was redefined as finding emotional and sexual fulfillment and self-actualization.”

“In this view, married persons married for themselves, not to fulfill responsibilities to God or society.”

“Slowly but surely, this newer understanding of the meaning of marriage has displaced the older ones in Western culture.”

“Marriage used to be about us, but now it is about me.”

  • 所以婚姻本来的意义是…

“Never before in history has there been a society filled with people so idealistic in what they are seeking in a spouse.”

让结婚变成选美:色情行业影响男人,消费主义影响女人。

“To conduct a Me-Marriage requires two completely well-adjusted, happy individuals, with very little in the way of emotional neediness of their own or character flaws that need a lot of work.”

“After all, our culture makes individual freedom, autonomy, and fulfillment the very highest values, and thoughtful people know deep down that any love relationship at all means the loss of all three.”

“You can say, “I want someone who will accept me just as I am,” but in your heart of hearts you know that you are not perfect, that there are plenty of things about you that need to be changed, and that anyone who gets to know you up close and personal will want to change them. And you also know that the other person will have needs, deep needs, and flaws. That all sounds painful, and it is, and so you don’t want all that. Yet it is hard to admit to the world or to yourself that you don’t want to be married.”

  • 一套组合拳

“Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person who you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger.”

「Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her」——以弗所书5:25

  • 或许找一个伴侣的目的不是让他爱我,是我要爱她。所谓单身的赏赐,便是没有了爱的羁绊。不过若是爱上一个人,便如所说的那样,爱她。
  • 所谓寻找合适的,无非是没有那么爱了。不过既然有选择的权力,那我们要善加利用。

“In marriage, do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus…the rest will follow.”

  • 这勇气…

“The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once.”

  • 霍…

“Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.”

Chap2 THE POWER FOR MARRIAGE

“Only if you have learned to serve others by the power of the Holy Spirit will you have the power to face the challenges of marriage.”

  • WOW,原来我需要靠圣灵才能服侍别人

“First, the picture of marriage given here is not of two needy people, unsure of their own value and purpose, finding their significance and meaning in one another’s arms. If you add two vacuums to each other, you only get a bigger and stronger vacuum, a giant sucking sound.”

  • 哈哈,有趣的小例子。

“Finally I began to see. I wanted to serve, yes, because that made me feel in control. Then I would always have the high moral ground. But that kind of “service” isn’t service at all, only manipulation.”

  • 不仅要在生活中服务别人,还是要以他想被服务的方式服务,而不是我们想服务他的方式。

“I wanted to earn everything. I wanted no one to give me any favors. I wanted to give undeserved gifts to others—so I could have satisfaction of thinking of myself as a magnanimous person—but I did not want to receive someone else’s service myself.”

  • 我们也要让他人感觉良好,在接纳中让别人感受到给予的快乐

“It means we don’t need to earn our self-worth through incessant service and work. It means also that we don’t mind so much when we are deprived of some comfort, compliment, or reward. We don’t have to keep records and accounts anymore. We can freely give and freely receive.”

  • Freely give and freely receive.

“Each spouse’s self-centeredness asserted itself (as it always will), but in response, the other spouse got more impatient, resentful, harsh, and cold. In other words, they responded to the self-centeredness of their partner with their own self-centeredness. ”

  • 自私会带来问题,也是因为我们常用自私来回应自私。

“But the gospel, brought home to your heart by the Spirit, can make you happy enough to be humble, giving you an internal fullness that frees you to be generous with the other even when you are not getting the satisfaction you want out of the relationship.”

“You can only afford to be generous if you actually have some money in the bank to give.”

“It is impossible for us to make major headway against self-centeredness and move into a stance of service without some kind of supernatural help.”

“So what do you do then? There are at least two paths to take. First, you could decide that your woundedness is more fundamental than your self-centeredness and determine that unless your spouse sees the problems you have and takes care of you, it’s not going to work out. Of course, your spouse will probably not do this—especially if he or she is thinking almost the exact same thing about you! And so what follows is the development of emotional distance and, perhaps, a slowly negotiated kind of détente or ceasefire. There is an unspoken agreement not to talk about some things. There are some things your spouse does that you hate, but you stop talking about them as long as he or she stops bothering you about certain other things. No one changes for the other; there is only tit-for-tat bargaining. Couples who settle for this kind of relationship may look happily married after forty years, but when it’s time for the anniversary photo op, the kiss will be forced.”

  • 看到了关系中的自己。

“The alternative to this truce-marriage is to determine to see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem and to treat it more seriously than you do your spouse’s. Why? Only you have complete access to your own selfishness, and only you have complete responsibility for it. ”

“Neither of you may take this course of action, or both of you may do it together. But there is a third possibility: It may be that one of you decides to operate on the basis of verse 21 and one of you does not. In this case, let’s say, you are the only one who decides, “My selfishness is the thing I am going to work on.” What will happen? Usually there is not much immediate response from the other side. But often, over time, your attitude and behavior will begin to soften your partner. He or she can see the pains you are taking. And it will be easier for your spouse to admit his or her faults because you are no longer always talking about them yourself.

  • 主动改变的一方虽然承受了更多,但是换来的结果是好的——也总要有人去迈出这一步

“The Christian principle that needs to be at work is Spirit-generated selflessness—not thinking less of yourself or more of yourself but thinking of yourself less.”

  • 要做的不是低估自己或者高估自己,要做的是在凡事上不仅要看到自己,还要看到更大的图画。

“Those who stop concentrating on how unhappy they are find that their happiness is growing. You must lose yourself to find yourself.”

“What is it that most motivates and moves you? Is it the desire for success? The pursuit of some achievement? The need to prove yourself to your parents? The need for respect from your peers? Are you largely driven by anger against someone or some people who have wronged you? Paul says that if any of these things is a greater controlling influence on you than the reality of God’s love for you, you will not be in a position to serve others unselfishly. Only out of the fear of the Lord Jesus will we be liberated to serve one another.”

  • 其他的动力来源并不是不好,也不是不能完成你的目标。只是他们对于「服侍别人」没有帮助。看起来服侍别人是一件很重要的事?

“We come into our marriages driven by all kinds of fears, desires, and needs. If I look to my marriage to fill the God-sized spiritual vacuum in my heart, I will not be in position to serve my spouse. Only God can fill a God-sized hole. Until God has the proper place in my life, I will always be complaining that my spouse is not loving me well enough, not respecting me enough, not supporting me enough.”

  • 我们投入到一段感情中,若是带入了太多的恐惧、期待、需要、欲望,那可能会凉。

“It is possible to feel you are “madly in love” with someone, when it is really just an attraction to someone who can meet your needs and address the insecurities and doubts you have about yourself. In that kind of relationship, you will demand and control rather than serve and give. The only way to avoid sacrificing your partner’s joy and freedom on the altar of your need is to turn to the ultimate lover of your soul. He voluntarily sacrificed himself on the cross, taking what you deserved for your sins against God and others.”

  • 爱情燃烧起来的原因很现实。
  • 我的问题是,既然我们要先建立和耶稣的关系,那我们是如何选择我们决定爱的伴侣呢?既然我们明白了我们的爱人只是恰好满足了我的期待和需要,如何选择爱的倾注对象呢?

Chap3 THE ESSENCE FOR MARRIAGE

“There is another way in which the legality of marriage augments its personal nature. When dating or living together, you have to prove your value daily by impressing and enticing. You have to show that the chemistry is there and the relationship is fun and fulfilling or it will be over. We are still basically in a consumer relationship, and that means constant promotion and marketing. The legal bond of marriage, however, creates a space of security where we can open up and reveal our true selves. We can be vulnerable, no longer having to keep up facades. We don’t have to keep selling ourselves. We can lay the last layer of our defenses down and be completely naked, both physically and in every other way.”

  • 表演的成分在里面,有点真实。这是浪漫的组成部分,但是可能距离婚姻有点距离/不同。而如果恋爱中没有一点这样的真实在里面,其实也不行。

“As we observed before, longitudinal studies reveal that two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced.”

  • 挺一挺就过去了

He goes on to say that these serious conditions do exist, because of “the hardness of your hearts.” That means that sometimes human hearts become so hard because of sin that it leads a spouse into a severe violation of the covenant, without prospects of repentance and healing, and in such cases divorce is permitted.

  • 当你觉得契约被毁掉,没有悔改和医治的希望时,可以离婚。

Some people ask who they are and expect their feelings to tell them. But feelings are flickering flames that fade after every fitful stimulus. Some people ask who they are and expect their achievements to tell them. But the things we accomplish always leave a core of character unrevealed. Some people ask who they are and expect visions of their ideal self to tell them. But our visions can only tell us what we want to be, not what we are.

Who are we? Smedes answers that we are largely who we become through making wise promises and keeping them.

  • 我们定下承诺,并且遵守他们,这就是我们。

“But Smedes argues eloquently that promising is the means to freedom. In promising, you limit options now, in order to have wonderful, fuller options later. You curb your freedom now, so that you can be free to be there in the future for people who trust you. When you make a promise to someone, both of you know that you are going to be there with and for them. “You have created a small sanctuary of trust within the jungle of unpredictability,”

  • 现在好好学习,不准玩,是为了以后可以有能力花式的玩。

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

“Kierkegaard writes of three possible outlooks on life—what he calls the aesthetic, the ethical, and the religious. He says that all of us are born aesthetes, and we only can become ethical or religious through our choices. So what is the aesthete? The aesthete doesn’t really ask whether something is good or bad but only whether it is interesting. Everything is judged as to whether it is fascinating, thrilling, exciting, and entertaining.”

“An aesthetic aspect is important to any life lived well and happily, but when the aesthetic dominates a life, it creates huge problems.”

“Kierkegaard says that this is a very mistaken idea of what freedom is. The person living the aesthetic life is not master of himself at all; in fact, he is leading an accidental life. His temperament, tastes, feelings, and impulses completely drive him.”

  • 再次重提自由:我们被我们被创造的感觉所支配。

“Looked at another way, the person dominated by the aesthetic sensibility is controlled by circumstances. If a wife loses her beautiful skin and countenance or a husband puts on the pounds, the aesthete begins to look around for someone more beautiful. If a spouse develops a debilitating illness, the aesthete begins to feel that life is pointless. But, says Kierkegaard, such a person is being completely controlled by external circumstances.”

  • 我们完全被外部环境控制了?

The only way for you to be truly free is to link your feeling to an obligation. Only if you commit yourself to loving in action, day in and day out, even when feelings and circumstances are in flux, can you truly be a free individual and not a pawn of outside forces. Also, only if you maintain your love for someone when it is not thrilling can you be said to be actually loving a person. The aesthete does not really love the person; he or she loves the feelings, thrills, ego rush, and experiences that the other person brings. The proof of that is that when those things are gone, the aesthete has no abiding care or concern for the other.

  • 所以我现在的想法是,随遇而安。如果有这种开心快乐的感觉,那就让它自然地出现,我们也自然的拥抱。如果时机成熟了,变成了一种爱情/友情,那我们也接受这种情况。我们需要知道「好朋友」的分量,那在我们下次说出这个词的时候就会更有底气。若是「好朋友」只是玩得好的朋友,aesthete就起到了dominant的作用。

这一章(还是前一章)提到了一个观点,如果性爱是还有两个人状态都好的时候才会进行的事,那么进行的次数就会越来越少。进行的次数越少,或许会导致状态逐渐变差,更不想做,陷入恶性循环。所以我现在比较认同,在一个人想另一个人不想的情况下,若是我不想,那么我有和对方继续的义务。若是对方不想,我也应当理解。

“Nearly everyone thinks that the Bible’s directive to “love your neighbor” is wise, right, and good. But notice that it is a command, and emotions cannot be commanded. The Bible does not call us to like our neighbor, to have affection and warm feelings toward him or her. No, the call is to love your neighbor, and that must primarily mean displaying a set of behaviors.”

  • 霍!醍醐灌顶的新想法。要爱你的邻居,并不是对你的邻居产生「爱意」,而是要做出爱的行动,尽管我们可能没那么「爱」对方。

When you feel great delight in someone, meeting their needs and getting their gratitude and affection in return is extremely rewarding to your ego. At those times you may be acting more out of the desire to get that love and satisfaction yourself, rather than out of a desire to seek the good of the other person.

We are afraid that he or she will be angry and say harsh things, and we cannot bear that. This only affirms that we don’t really love the person and his or her best interest. We love the affection and esteem we are getting from that person. All this means that you can indeed love, and love truly and wisely, when you lack the feelings of love.

Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less

  • 小时候我们就知道「喜欢」和「爱」是有区别的。我曾以为区别只是喜欢的程度不同,太喜欢了就变成了爱。其实还是太年轻了。爱原来是如此沉重,爱原来需要做出很多行为。

  • 想起了《小王子》。我们在一件事上投入时间与精力,我们就会越来越喜爱它。这种爱并非不纯粹,也并非自恋,这恰恰是爱的最好方式。用爱的行动,换来真正的爱。

“I had been loving them even when I didn’t like them, and the result was that, slowly but surely, my emotions were catching up with my behavior. If you do not give up, but proceed to love the unlovely in a sustained way, they will eventually become lovely to you.”

  • 别放弃,挺一挺。

Our culture says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. And of course that can be true. But it is truer to say that actions of love can lead consistently to feelings of love. Love between two people must not, in the end, be identified simply with emotion or merely with dutiful action. Married love is a symbiotic, complex mixture of both. Having said this, it is important to observe that of the two—emotion and action—it is the latter that we have the most control over. It is the action of love that we can promise to maintain every day.”

  • 只有体会过爱的感觉,才能爱别人。这确实不错。但是爱别人,会增进爱的感觉。对别人实施爱的行为,就像为自己的爱火添加燃料。
  • 也提醒我们不仅是责任感。女友曾说我不够爱她,脑子里只有责任。我当时误会了爱的意思,我只想到了passion的爱。

“In Ephesians 5:28, Paul says, “Husbands ought to love their wives.” He had already urged them to love their wives in verse 25, but here, just to be clear, Paul uses a verb that stresses obligation. There is no doubt about what Paul is saying. He commands husbands—they ought to love their wives. Emotions can’t be commanded, only actions, and so it is actions that Paul is demanding. He doesn’t care how they feel on a given day or at a given moment—they must love their wives.”

  • 我突然意识到,我们注定无法控制我们的感情和想法,我们唯一能控制的只有行为。灵魂体中,魂确实需要救赎,体是我们需要下手的部分,而灵则是我们的力量来源。我不能因为自己想犯错的想法而责备自己,只要在行动上多下点功夫。而我最想控制的想法,其实是最不可控的。

“This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go—let it die away—go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow—and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. . . .”

  • 这解读我真是惊了…不死就不生,让激情的欲火燃尽,才有机会看到爱情的本质。

“Sadly, many people never let this happen, because they have accepted the culture’s definition of marriage, and when the thrill wears off, they feel it is time for a change. This view of things leaves married people very vulnerable to affairs, since it is quite natural that you will meet others who are attractive and who will hold out the promise of getting the thrill back that was there in the beginning of your relationship with your spouse.”

  • 今天是单身节,林志炫去了东北师大附中。学校婉拒了他的团队,可他执意要来。我开始有点惊讶,后来一想,这学校还是有点意思。学校是教书育人的地方,而林志炫是一名艺人。大家在朋友圈疯狂转发一位艺人要去学校唱歌,这像极了爱情初期的Thrill。我们是不是可以拥抱并且接受呢?也确实不错。不过当我们想到婚姻的时候,就是另一回事了。
  • 联系上面的文字,我们不能被社会上广泛所接受的看法所引导。还是要有自己的想法,并且有自己的思想基础。
  • 有时候我们会说「我不再爱他了」。这可能是因为,我们只会一种爱,就是很火热的那种。
  • 我现在明白了,为什么很多老夫妻也很恩爱了。我时常认为不够关系,不够体谅,互相埋怨是不合适的象征,不是好的伴侣关系,就算结婚了也会分开。可是我现在明白了。就算有那些大事小事,他们还是坚持让彼此在婚姻之中,那就势必会有爱的行为。这样的次数变多了,两个人在对方眼中也就也来越可爱。曾经不互相关心的两个人也会慢慢的互相关心。只要给多一点时间就好,再忍耐一下。

“After eighteen years of this, even if your child is an unattractive person to everyone else, you can’t help but love her dearly. Why? Because you’ve been forced to operate on the Biblical pattern. You have had to do the actions of love regardless of your feelings and therefore now you have deep feelings of love for your child, however loveable she is or not.”

  • 天哪!逻辑链串上了。我曾以为父母对孩子的爱是天生的,原来不一定是这样。可能有些父母从小就没在孩子身上投入太多爱的行为,所以长大了之后和孩子的联结也不是那么多,感情也就没有那么深。而一般的父母之所以很爱孩子,是因为他们亲自陪伴着孩子一同成长,在这个过程中投入了大量的难以想象的爱。在孩子最不可爱的时候,还是选择了爱自己的孩子。就这样,父母真的践行了神对世人的爱。所以我们才会认为父母的爱很是伟大。我们可以从中学习到的经验,就是当自己的爱人不那么可爱的时候,也要爱她。她在你眼中就会越来越可爱。

“Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn’t think, ‘I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.’ No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us—denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him—and in the greatest act of love in history, he stayed. He said, ‘Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.’ He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse.” Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.

Chap4 THE MISSION OF MARRIAGE

That is why those pathetic people who simply “want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Where the truthful answer to the question “Do you see the same truth?” would be “I don’t care about the truth—I only want [you to be my] friend,” no friendship can arise. Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers

  • 友情意味着两个人有同样的地方,或者同样的爱好,或者同样的性格,或者同样的理想。通俗地讲,你需要有一些吸引人的地方,才能交到朋友。

In each story, a disparate group of people are brought together. They may come from different races and classes and may hate one another, but because some common goal and mission is thrust on them, they become a team, a unit. They rescue each other, push, provoke, and exhort each other and win through because their common mission turns them into friends and their differences become their strengths.

  • 好朋友走在同一条路上,互相鼓励,为了最后的目标。

“In tribal societies, romance doesn’t matter as much as social status, and in individualistic Western societies, romance and great sex matter far more than anything else. The Bible, however, without ignoring responsibility to the community or the importance of romance, puts great emphasis on marriage as companionship.”

  • 好的婚姻需要陪伴,对方愿意介入你的生活,也愿意让你介入他的生活。Constancy and transparency.

“We see it in our text, Ephesians 5. Here Paul is speaking to people from pagan backgrounds and to their view that marriage is mainly a social transaction. In that time, you had to marry as well as you could for the sake of your family’s social status. Your wife’s job was to link your family to another good family and then bear children. That was what marriage was supposed to accomplish.”

  • 现在可能保罗的话听起来比较正常,可是在那个妻子是个工具人的时代,这样的一番话很令人不解。

“When looking for a marriage partner, each must be able to look inside the other and see what God is doing and be excited about being part of the process of liberating the emerging “new you.”

  • 我们要在对方的身上看到神对于他的计划。

“If you don’t see your mate’s deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you’re not even in the game. But if you don’t get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren’t tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship.”

  • 虽然我们必会看到对方身上的问题,但不要忘了更大的目标。

It’s a paradox but not a contradiction. The simple fact is that only if I love Jesus more than my wife will I be able to serve her needs ahead of my own. Only if my emotional tank is filled with love from God will I be able to be patient, faithful, tender, and open with my wife when things are not going well in life or in the relationship. And the more joy I get from my relationship with Christ, the more I can share that joy with my wife and family.”

  • Paradox,似非而是的观点。

If singles accepted this principle, it would drastically change the way people seek a marriage partner in our day. It is typical for a single person to walk into a room and see a number of people of the opposite sex and immediately begin to screen them, not for companionship but for attractiveness. Let’s say three out of the ten look appealing. The next step is to approach those three to see what rapport there may be. If one of them will agree to go out on a date, and you get romantically involved, perhaps you’ll see if you can turn that person into a friend as well. The problem is many of your best prospects for friendship were likely among those you ruled out because they were too tall or too short, too fat or too skinny.

We think of a prospective spouse as primarily a lover (or a provider), and if he or she can be a friend on top of that, well isn’t that nice! We should be going at it the other way around. Screen first for friendship. Look for someone who understands you better than you do yourself, who makes you a better person just by being around them. And then explore whether that friendship could become a romance and a marriage.

  • 我们应该先成为好朋友,然后看其中是否有对自己很有吸引力的。而不是先选择对自己很有吸引力的,在去发展成为好朋友。

“When you marry, you commit to becoming a new decision-making unit and to developing new patterns and ways of doing things. If you rigidly impose the patterns that you saw in your own family rather than working together with your spouse to create new ones that fit both of you, you haven’t “left home” yet.”

  • 简单来讲就是实事求是,不要照搬别人的方法,即使是父母的方法很好用,也work,但是在你们的小家庭里也说不准。

“In other words, Jesus asks for nothing that any spouse doesn’t ask for. “Put me first,” he says, “have no other pseudo-gods before me.” It is the same with marriage. Marriage won’t work unless you put your marriage and your spouse first, and you don’t turn good things, like parents, children, career, and hobbies, into pseudo-spouses.”

  • 耶稣向你索求的,不会多过一个伴侣要向你索求的。

“The reason it must have priority is because of the power of marriage. Marriage has the power to set the course of your life as a whole. If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won’t matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength. However, if your marriage is weak, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are marked by success and strength, it won’t matter. You will move out into the world in weakness. Marriage has that kind of power—the power to set the course of your whole life. It has that power because it was instituted by God. And because it has that unequalled power, it must have an unequalled, supreme priority.”

  • 就像一个大招,冷却时间也很长。

Chap5 LOVING THE STRANGER

“As a divine institution, marriage has several inherent powers that we must accept and use—the power of truth, the power of love, and the power of grace. ”

  • 婚姻中的三种力量

“You may be a highly independent person, who does not like to be responsible for the needs of others, who dislikes having to make joint decisions, and who most definitely hates to ask for any help yourself.”

  • 有点像我了…

“Counselors will tell you that the only flaws that can enslave you are the ones that you are blind to. If you are in denial about some feature of your character, that feature will control you. But marriage blows the lid off, turns the lights on. Now there is hope. Finally you can begin dealing with the real you.”

“To be highly esteemed by someone you highly esteem is the greatest thing in the world.”

“It is not enough to simply say, “I love you.” Nor is it enough to give love to your spouse in the way to which you feel most accustomed. If you want to give a person $100, there are many ways to do so. You can give it in cash or by check or in gold or in kind. You can give it in different currencies. So you ask, “In which form do you want the hundred dollars?” In the same way you learn to give your spouse love in the way he or she finds most emotionally valuable and powerful. That is the only way to bring the remaking and healing power of love into your spouse’s life.”

  • 以对方想要被爱的方式去爱她

“First, realize you have a “filter” on. You tend to only “hear” certain kinds of love language. For example, your spouse may be working hard to provide you with material things, but you wish he were more verbal. There is a tendency to say, “He doesn’t love me!” because he is not communicating love in your most valuable language. Take off your filter and recognize the love your spouse is giving you.”

  • 同时,要意识到你的伴侣可能正在爱着你,以她的方式。

“Learn the primary languages of your spouse and send love over those channels, not over the channels you prefer for yourself. We tend to give love through the channels in which we like to receive it.”

  • 我们喜欢按照我们愿意被接受的方式提供爱。

Love is a deliberate choice.

“When we see how devastating truth-telling in marriage can be, it can push us into the opposite error. We may then decide that our job is to just affirm. We avoid telling our spouses how disappointed we are. We shut up. We stuff and hide what we really think and feel. We exercise the power of love, but not the power of truth.
But then marriage’s enormous potential for spiritual growth is lost. If I come to realize that my spouse is not really being truthful with me, then her loving affirmations become less powerful in my life. Only when I know that my spouse regularly tells me the truth will her loving affirmations really change me.”

“Your marriage will go either into a truth-without-love mode, with constant fighting, or a shallow love-without-truth mode, in which both partners simply avoid the underlying problems.”

  • 如果只有love而没有truth,慢慢的爱的话语也变得没那么有力量了,因为你知道你的爱人越来越少「实事求是」了。
  • 如果没有love而只有truth的话,我们很可能会用truth当做我们的武器来攻击别人。用最恶毒的话说出最真实的问题。
  • 如果把love和truth的力量合理的结合在一起,要靠恩典。再用truth指出错误之后,用love来化解情绪危机。而我们之所以在收到对方伤害之后还有力量来给予对方爱,是因为耶稣先爱了我们。

“If you have trouble forgiving someone, it is at least partly because deep in your heart you are thinking, “I would never do anything like that!” As long as you feel superior to someone, feel like you are a much better kind of person, you will find it very hard if not impossible to forgive.”

  • 不能原谅别人的原因之一:「我自己一定不会这么做」

“If you see Jesus dying on the cross for others, forgiving the people who killed him, that can be just a crushing example of forgiving love that you will never be able to live up to. But if instead you see Jesus dying on the cross for you, forgiving you, putting away your sin, that changes everything.”

  • 说得很好…我一直以为是耶稣在世时的那些犹太人把耶稣送上了十字架,他们是凶手,我是无罪的。殊不知我也是凶手之一,而耶稣在十字架上也赦免了我的罪,为我而死。

Chap6 EMBRACING THE OTHER

很神奇,这一章是Kathy写的

No wise person rejects a gift from someone who loves them without at least giving it a look. So we hope that even if you are not comfortable with the idea of distinct, divinely ordained gender roles within marriage, that you will suspend judgment just for the space of this chapter and consider how God may have intended them for our good.”

  • 性别是上帝给我们的礼物。

“Every cell in our body is stamped as XX or XY. This means I cannot understand myself if I try to ignore the way God has designed me or if I despise the gifts he may have given to help me fulfill my calling. ”

  • 性别不是开始大家相同,后来慢慢分化出来的一个概念。从创世起初,就有性别的概念。
  • 性别并不是一个社会性的概念,反对所谓自我认同的性别。

Kathy写的这部分生词好多,我隐约觉得Kathy是个说教派而不是实践派。

“The English word “helper” is not the best translation for the Hebrew word ’ezer. “Helper” connotes merely assisting someone who could do the task almost as well without help. But ’ezer is almost always used in the Bible to describe God himself. Other times it is used to describe military help, such as reinforcements, without which a battle would be lost. To “help” someone, then, is to make up what is lacking in him with your strength.6 Woman was made to be a “strong helper.”

  • 女人是不可或缺的帮手,而不是可有可无的帮手。

The word “suitable” is just as unhelpful a translation. This translates a compound phrase that is literally “like opposite him.

Male and female are “like opposite” to one another. They are like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together because they are not exactly alike nor randomly different, but they are differentiated such that together they can create a complete whole. Each sex is gifted for different steps in the same Great Dance.

  • 男人女人并不是被随机造的不一样,而是特意造的不同。

“In Philippians 2:5–11,11 we have one of the earliest hymns to Jesus sung by the church, which celebrates that although Jesus was equal with God, he emptied himself of his glory and took on the role of a servant. Jesus shed his divine privileges without becoming any less divine, and he took on the most submissive role—that of a servant who dies in his master’s service. In this passage we see taught both the essential equality of the First and Second Persons of the Godhead, and yet the voluntary submission of the Son to the Father to secure our salvation. Let me emphasize that Jesus’s willing acceptance of this role was wholly voluntary, a gift to his Father. I discovered here that my submission in marriage was a gift I offered, not a duty coerced from me.”

  • 耶稣也承担起了仆人的角色,不过这丝毫没有影响他的神圣。
  • 他为了父神而献出自己的生命,这是一个他主动提供的礼物,而不是一种被迫的要求。

“If it was not an assault on the dignity and divinity (but rather led to the greater glory) of the Second Person of the Godhead to submit himself, and assume the role of a servant, then how could it possibly injure me to be asked to play out the “Jesus role” in my marriage?”

  • 如果我们像耶稣一样做仆人做的事,我们的尊严也不会因此有任何的缺少。(别人可能不会这么看,重要的是我们自己的想法)
  • 想到了胯下之辱,转念一想不对,韩信并没有做仆人。

“The Son defers to his Father, taking the subordinate role. The Father accepts the gift, but then exalts the Son to the highest place. Each wishes to please the other; each wishes to exalt the other. Love and honor are given, accepted, and given again.”

“In 1 Corinthians 11:3, Paul says directly what is implied in Philippians 2—namely, that the relationship of the Father and the Son is a pattern for the relationship of husband to wife.12 The Son submits to the Father’s headship with free, voluntary, and joyful eagerness, not out of coercion or inferiority. The Father’s headship is acknowledged in reciprocal delight, respect, and love. There is no inequality of ability or dignity. We are differently gendered to reflect this life within the Trinity.”

  • 霍,信息量很大…夫妻的关系竟然是圣父圣子的关系?目前我认为这对女性的要求太高了…

“In our world, we are accustomed to seeing the perks and the privileges accrue to those who have higher status—Platinum mileage flyers receive free upgrades to first class and, along with that, free food and drink and free baggage checking. Those with bigger bank accounts than the rest of us are ushered into the (shorter and faster) premium banking line at the bank.

But in the dance of the Trinity, the greatest is the one who is most self-effacing, most sacrificial, most devoted to the good of the Other. Jesus redefined—or, more truly, defined properly—headship and authority, thus taking the toxicity of it away, at least for those who live by his definition rather than by the world’s understanding.”

  • 厉害的不是头等舱的大佬,航空公司的高级会员。Headship要求无私,做众人的仆人。

“Jesus redefined all authority as servant-authority. Any exercise of power can only be done in service to the Other, not to please oneself. Jesus is the one who did not come to be served, as the world’s authority figures expect to be, but to serve, to the point of giving his life.”

  • 我是不是有一个powerful的人?我会打压别人,占便宜来展示自己的权力吗?还是我会为别人服务来展示自己的power。
  • 可以,我现在觉得这圣经对男性的要求也很高…
  • 耶稣一方面是女性的榜样,因为他对于父神来说是submission,是一个顺服的helper。耶稣一方面也是男性的榜样,做门徒的头,教会的头,却做成了仆人。

“But some women might chafe under the idea of male headship: “I agree that men and women are profoundly different according to their sex, but why does the man get to lead? If men and women are equal in dignity but different, why is the husband the head?” I think the truest answer is that we simply don’t know. Why was Jesus, the Son, the one who submitted and served (Philippians 2:4ff)? Why wasn’t it the Father? We don’t know, but we do know that it was a sign of his greatness, not his weakness.

  • 为什么男人要是头?为什么不是父神来救我们而是耶稣?

“One of the pillars of wise counseling is the statement, “The only person over whom you have control is yourself.” You can change no one’s behavior but your own. If a man or a woman wishes to bring him- or herself more fully into the biblically defined gender roles, it does not actually require assent from the other person. Since both the headship role of a husband and the submission role as a wife are servant roles, one can always begin to serve without waiting for permission.”

Chap7 SINGLENESS AND MARRIAGE

Paige Benton Brown, in her classic article “Singled Out by God for Good,” lists a number of common ways that Christian churches try to “explain” singleness:

  • “As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life”—as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment.
  • “You’re too picky”—as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.
  • “As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work”—as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must be no part.
  • “Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful”—as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.

Beneath these statements is the premise that single life is a state of deprivation for people who are not yet fully formed enough for marriage. Brown responds along the lines of Paul’s 1 Corinthians passage: “I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me.” That fits perfectly with the reasoning and attitude of St Paul. Christianity affirmed the goodness of single life as no other faith or worldview ever has.

“One of the ways you can judge whether you have moved past the infatuation stage is to ask a set of questions. Have you been through and solved a few sharp conflicts? Have you been through a cycle of repenting and forgiving? Have each of you shown the other that you can make changes out of love for the other? Two kinds of couples answer no. The first kind are those who never have any conflicts. It may be they are not past infatuation. The second kind of couple has had a stormy relationship and has the same unresolved fights over and over again. They haven’t learned even the rudimentary skills of repentance, forgiveness, and change. Neither of these couples may be ready for marriage.”

  • 判断是否准备好结婚了的几个问题

Chap8 SEX AND MARRIAGE

“Martin Luther, for example, was reputed to say about sexual desires, “You can’t stop birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from making nests in your hair.” By that he meant that we can’t stop sexual thoughts from occurring to us—they are natural and unavoidable. However, we are responsible for what we do with those thoughts. We must not entertain and dwell on them.”

简爱片段:

“Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth?”

“A fundamental rule of marriage is that time marches on, and as Lewis Smedes said, you don’t marry one woman or one man but many. Time, children, illness, and age all bring changes that may require creative, disciplined responses to rebuild a sexual intimacy that was easier at an earlier time.”


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